Night of 1,000 Trials

Am extremely tired last night, so go to bed early, 10 p.m., read new Domino magazine --which makes me anxious and covetous--eyes start to droop, and throw magazine to floor, turn out lights, roll over on side and expect to be asleep in mere seconds. Am hot. Kick off covers. Dave turns his light off and hear him breathing deeply. Jenny does the same on her little bed on floor. Feel icy breeze up leg and back. Roll over and cover self up again. Become hot. Pee. When get back, Dave asks, What's wrong? Tell him tensely, I am trying to sleep. Attempt deep yogic breathing and arrange limbs in Sivasana. Think that the English term is Corpse Pose. Thoughts follow dark path. Recall self and attempt to breath evenly and deeply again. Begin to calm down and feel meditative. Hear distant yet piercing alarm sounding in regular rhythm of beep-beep-beep! (pause) beep-beep-beep! (pause) etc. Sometimes it sounds like the alarm has been shut off. Enter strangely exhausting and thrilling exercise during which and strain ears to hear if it will come back on again. It always does. Cover ears with pillow. Become hot. Roll over, kick off covers, huff out air and open eyes to stare at ceiling. Roll over, close eyes. Mosquito whines in ear. This morning, tell self firmly that next time am similarly struck, I will Get Up.

Elevator Etiquitte

After retrieving mail from box, get on elevator last night with unfamiliar neighbor holding familiar dog on leash. Dog familiar because only has three legs and is a honey colored pit bull, seems friendly though feel irrational fear at sight of breed. Don't like to be prejudiced, so am overly forward with dog, putting out hand to be sniffed and hopefully licked instead of mauled (which is what unhelpfully occurs in bloody detail in head). What happens instead is that Dolly--learn name of dog because of owner's cries, Down Dolly, be nice, down Dolly!--jumps up and licks my face, balancing on her one hind leg. Am impressed and charmed, Dolly calms down, and feel glad that all has worked out for the best. Unfortunately, elevator seems to be taking inordinately long time ascending, and to fill the silence Dolly's owner observes, You got your New Yorker today! I never get mine until Tuesday! This would be perfect time to ask for her name, but then I would have to say my name in return, and only thing that want to do is get off elevator immediately, so instead say, meaning to tell joke--You must be being punished for something. Joke--if it could even be called that--naturally falls flat. Elevator creeps up. Am so mortified that can't even apologize. Do say Goodnight brightly, but Goodnight given in return decidedly and deservedly chilly.

Cindy Stevens

Am dealt severe shock when Cindy Stevens calls me into her office to say that her husband got a job in San Francisco and that she and the rest of the family are moving there in two weeks time. She will look for work once she's there. While there is a Search for her job, would I be willing to Step In for her? Do not wish to step in for her, in fact, do not want to be working in development at all, so ignore question and congratulate her on her good fortune in moving to San Francisco. It is not humid at all! Also tell her tell her that she won't have any trouble finding work--once you know how to do development work there is always work to be found (privately panic that will only ever do development work for rest of work-life)--also tell her that my sister Sigrid is in San Francisco though she can be a bit abrupt and prickly and not the easiest person to know, she does like San Francisco quite a bit and her young daughter Elizabeth seems to be adjusting very well to life in general and to live in San Francisco--though she is only two-and-a-half, but still it suits her. Also, there are lots of restaurants that serve inexpensive and fresh food There is a pause. Cindy Stevens asks, So what do you think? Tell self that should be very firm about terms. Instead, say Yes, sure, for however long it takes to find a new person.

Fall

Jenny and I go for actual run this morning after long hiatus, probably because this is the first day that actually have to work up a sweat. Have recently discovered that one lap around park is 0.8 miles, which round up to one mile, so that after 4 laps feel very well worked out indeed. So does Jenny, who right when we get home laps up entire contents of bowl, eats dry food with gusto, and then jumps up on top of bed, where Dave is still sleeping. As have chugged coffee and bowl of organic bran flakes, am equally enthusiastic (though hope did not make same alarming snuffling and chomping noises as Jenny made during her repast) and when Jenny jumps on bed, I say in bright voice, Up and Adam, lazybones! Dave pulls pillow over his head. Jenny thinks this is a game. She takes corner of pillow in her mouth and then tosses her head, growling, but her tail wagging friskily. Dave is not pleased. Thankfully, leave soon after, and day continues to be breezy, brain free from usual clutter of worry, unfounded fantasies, tiresome songs of the earworm variety, calculations of future financial disaster (or opposite) and so on. Am in such a good mood, even feel that have banished difficult thoughts forever.

Rain Outside Window

Am wearing Cardigan purchased on sweltering day a couple of weeks ago in anticipation of and fervent hope for cooler weather to come. Dramatic and decorative clouds race across sky and rain falls diagonally, pours really, and congratulate self for having the sense to be inside. (Later, when have to go to Library and rain soaks entire right side, find reason to regret cockiness.) Cozy calm (hideous overhead lights are extinguished and thought have to squint a bit to see, much prefer 2 rickety area lamps which Dave begged me to take out of the apartment) is interrupted by entrance of Oliver, who sits in chair opposite desk, sets his chin in his hands and asks in worried tone if I think the Contessa is going to call him back or not, ever. Was very relieved to hear from the Contessa herself that the date was a dud, and that they didn't even kiss, and at one point she'd asked herself very seriously how much she'd have to sleep with Oliver--but this was a bit of a paradox--she said to me--if she drank that much she'd have long passed out. Was relieved in a way when she told me this, but now that Oliver is sitting in front of me, see that her impulsive behavior has consequences, not only for her, but for me. Am very angry at her. Oliver says brightly, I know what happened! She lost my telephone number. Gently suggest that his feelings are not returned--point to rather obvious fact that she has my number and Oliver and I work in the same office. Oliver pauses, thinking about this. I'm very persistent, he says. Have never witnessed this quality in him, but am afraid that now will.

Meetings

Have been in what feels like 3 month succession of meetings. When return to office from most recent meeting, hear self telling Oliver that my brain is mashy. Think, but am not positive, that was trying to say that brain was mush. Not sure if this is much better, or better at all--am trying to figure out if it is better, yes it is, no it isn't, boy I'd like some chocolate! etc. when perceive that Olive is smiling at me unblinkingly, and in fact, hasn't blinked in a long time. Say, Did I miss something? He says, I just said that the Contessa and I are going on a date. Go into office and Call the Contessa, who does not answer. Neither does she answer her cell phone. Send text: ???! She writes back: I'm desperate, don't judge. Contrary to her instructions, Do judge very severely. Am very certain, and yet also afraid, that will be forced to hear the details. Perhaps from two sides. Brain mashy.