Warped Space-Time

When the Contessa comes in, immediately hands me newest issue of US Weekly, says, Take it away from me. Gladly do. The Contessa gets sucked back in as go through first section which lends itself to making commments about how people look, i.e. too fat, too skinny, haggard. Tried to think of something nasty to say about picture of Jude Law, Sadie Frost and their two darling children. Draw a blank. The Contessa comes through, says, He is almost too good looking. Same can not be said for Janet Jackson who is either very, very chubby or victim of cruel hoax. Turn page. Extremely disturbing and funny picture of Regis and Kelly dressed up as Mary Kate and Ashley. Regis wearing blonde wig, large sunglasses, cream colored sweater, shimmery lipstick (shudder) and long beads. Both Reeg and Kelly holding giant Starbucks cups. Learn quite a bit about Kevin and Britney. Kevin, not surprisingly, doing a lot of drinking and smoking of marijuana. The mother of Kevin's baby interviewed and says (as though to Britney), C'mon kiddo, did you think things were going to be different? Indeed. Skip article on Jessica Simpson and get to spread of Angelina and Brad playing with the kids on the beach in Malibu. Am horrified to see that Angelina has given her new baby a mohawk like Maddox's. On closer inspection, mohawk turns out to be an illusion caused by photographic merging of baby's head and Angelina's own hair. Reach back of magazine, which similar to beginning, does away with most words, letting the reader derive what please or pain he may from the photographs. Look at always entertaining, fashion police section, Nicole Richie (too skinny), Lee Lee Sobieski wearing calico Little House on the Prarie dress, Paula Abdul wearing corset and Fur boa. Magazine ends with page of celebrities wearing headbands, flapper-style. Not flattering on anybody--Madonna's bejeweled headband especially poor choice. Close magazine. Think that entire exercise extremely unhealthy. Have uneasy thought that brain did not allow to feel guilty until after the deed was done and it was too late to stop self. Start to think of other times similar process worked itself out. See that this train of thought will be both unfruitful and painful. The Contessa staring with unfocussed eyes at wall. Asks, What is the fifth dimension? Say, firmly, Smell. Immediately realize that very wrong answer, laugh lightly to show that I meant as a joke. Actually, The Contessa says, What is the first dimension? We are unable to decide if the first dimension a line or a point. Internet research reveals that the first dimension line, the second is a plane (we get hung up on what that is) the third is a solid, and the fourth time. Admit that do not, at all, see how time is involved. The Contessa says, Apparently there are at least 26 dimensions. We live in an Island Universes in Warped Space-Time. She explains, I read the Science times to cleanse myself US Weekly. Ask, Did it work? She says that I should try reading the article. Do so. Am sorry to report to her that it does not, in fact, make me feel smarter. Rather, the contrary. Also, the talk of time and space curving around black hole makes feel tense.