Too Old for This

The Contessa says, I am getting Too Old for this. She is wearing the same clothes today as she was yesterday. Her face is pale greenish. She clutches a paper cup of coffee. Too old for What? I ask. (Am afraid that the voka and sodas and the Jameson I discovered when I got home have made me look as bad if not worse than the Contessa so think that I know where she is going with this line of thought.) Contessa says, I Am Too Old to have some creep say he is into Spanking. Am deeply embarassed and hope that the Contessa will keep the rest of her story to herself. Don't you want to know who spanked who and why? the Contessa asks. Would like, a lot, to just sit and not talk. No, I don't want to know, I say. The Contessa feigns deafness. Well, she says, this is what happened. The gist is that she and Suzy went off with the producer to another bar and then another and then ended up at the producer's loft. The Contessa spent the night. At some point, before the producer passed out, he wanted to be spanked. The Contessa takes a very very long time to get to the spanking. What do you think about that? the contessa asks. I think it is Funny, I say even though I don't. You can write a story about it, says the Contessa. Say, stiffly, that is Not a Story. Well, she says, unoffended and still chatty, what happend to you? Tell her about Hilary and the screen test. She claps her hands. Do not care for the clapping and say so. The Contessa calls me a Grump. Am left in silence for approximately a minute and a half. Who is the Screen Test for? She asks. Tell her. She turns pale. Screams. Very trying for the ears. The contessa explains, Justin, the producer of the movie I'm having the screen test for, is the Same Justin who likes to be Spanked. Say that out of loyalty to her, will cancel my appointment. (Very rare, but very satisfying when one is able to sacrifice someting one wants to give up anyway.) She says, No You Have to Go. Say, Why? The Contessa is stumped. She rallies. Because you don't want to pass up the Opportunity. (Do not remind the Contessa that she knows exactly what these things are like. When she first moved to New York she had a commercial agent who sent her out to auditions. Shockingly often, she had to put on a bathing suit and dance for the casting agent & the director. Once the director even told her to Drop it Like It's Hot.) Agree to go to screen test, if only to stop conversation. The Contessa nods, satisfied. Turns on Computer. Sighs. Gets on the phone with Suzy and repeats spanking story, but tacks on new ending.