The Contessa's Vacation

Have lunch with the Contessa today at favorite diner. She orders One small split pea soup, no crackers, and a Diet Coke. Attempt to order same owing to recent recrudescence of stomach Roll theme, but the Contessa insists I get a bacon cheeseburger with fries, extra crispy. Own lunch turns out to be fairly moderate as the Contessa eats most of fries, half of coleslaw and corner of bun. After eating frenzy, she tells me aobut Christmas trip to the New Man's family cottage on Martha's Vineyard. He shares the house with his sister, a very, very nice woman with two darling children. Smart children. And the sister is very considerate. Alarm bells ring. Ask what happened. Nothing at all, says the Contessa. She--the Contessa--wouldn't think to tell a person who had her head hung over the side of the ferry having the dry heaves--not that the sister isn't nice--but the Contessa in that circumstance wouldn't suggest to the sick person that next time she should eat ginger snaps before going to sea. Agree heartily, adding that only a person who has never been seasick in her life would think that ginger would do any good at all. I don't want to give you the wrong impression though, the Contessa says, the rest of the time she was great. Maybe a bit vigilant about the salt. Ask, The salt? Yes, apparently it is bloating. No salt allowed on the table and none added to cooked food. Ask, So everything was bland? The Contessa gives a shudder, and a bit chewy, even eggs, she likes everything Well Done. She adds, But at least we're not getting married. There is a pause while the Contessa unwraps the crackers which have been brought despite not being asked for. She carefully licks off the salt granules. Feel that we are very good friends indeed for us to be comfortable together during this behavior. When done with the crackers, the Contessa says, One more thing. About the sister? Yes. When the Contessa and the New Man were leaving, the sister got all of their presents together for the Contessa and set them next to the door. She'd set a bottle in a brown paper bag in on top of the stack of presents. She kissed the Contessa goodbye and then whispered, "I noticed you liked to wear black. I'm giving you a bottle of shampoo that works really well for the danny."Feel face form look of extreme shock. Ask, appalled, And she had a nickname for dandruff? The Contessa nods, says, But this makes her sound awful. I don't want you to think she's not nice. This prompts long, possibly cynical, train of thought about the self-delusions necessary for most of human interaction.