The Secretary who Cooks (and Cleans)

Even though deplore reality television and think it is a scourge, last night got sucked into The Next Food Network Star. One nice thing about this show is that actual skills are needed (not that sluttiness or ability to eat maggots not skills in their own way.) But being a television chef much harder than thought. The hardest thing seems to be the chopping of vegetables while also reading the teleprompter and also remembering to heat up pans, use all necessary ingredients, and fill up extra time with babble. Nevertheless, feel that self uniquely qualified as able to answer telephone, read email, eat sandwich, and communicate to vice-boss that am Very Busy, please submit request later, all at the same time. On show, each contestant asked to prepare dishes on camera for judges. Many got very flustered and, according to judges, their Personalities didn't come through. This morning have long fantasy about how I would behave if given the chance to have own Food Network show. Arrange ingredients (stapler, bowl of paperclips, coffee mug and calculator) on desk. Give sense of personality, chatting about (inside head) the beautiful new potatoes, beets, and asparagus found at Farmer's Market. But can't think of any way to work secretary job into patter. Feel that in own case, the less one knows about the chef the better. Put calculator in oven (desk drawer). Take completed dish (Advil) out of drawer and set on desk. Show dish to audience (spider plant). The Contessa asks what I'm doing. "Nothing," I say briskly, "Tidying up."