Speedo

After enervating morning spent looking for box of New Man's copies supposedly delivered two weeks ago (but weren't), decide to go swimming. Also think that a bit of retail therapy in order. Old Speedo in sad shape, somehow sagging and bunching at the same time. Chose handsome green pair in size thirty. Go directly to cash register after looking at hiking boots, backpacks, flashlights, and down coat sale rack. Clerk asks if would like to try on speedo. Had previously been under impression that trying on bathing suits not allowed. Say so. Clerk says, That's not true. In dressing room, have extreme difficulty fitting suit around Thigh. Apparently wrong that legs slimmest part of body. After extreme effort hitch, suit up around waist. Image in mirror very, very upsetting. Stalk downstairs to choose Larger sizes. Size thirty-two almost as tight as thirty. Thirty four tight, but refuse to purchase anything larger. Console self with sudden idea that this batch of speedos must have been meant for Europe and measurements in centimeters. (Explanation does not hold up on further examination.)