Monday Afternoon

Alex, friend from movie emails. Asks, Would you like to be a real person model for a day--it would pay Very Well. Would very much like to be paid very well. Am intrigued by term real. Would never again be an extra (far too real and pay Very Bad) but would willing participate in movie or television show in which got to wear costume, i.e. Monster, alien, or knight, so real not exactly an enticement. On other hand, circumstance of proposition matches up exactly with long term fantasy. While living in New York have been, at some point each day, been filled certainty that today is day that will be Discovered. Discovered for what, am not sure, but Feeling (when it hits) causes to sit up a bit straighter on the subway; if reading book, try to look both smart and attractive (accomplished by relaxing Forehead and widening eyes); while walking down street, assume facial expression of (for instance, this morning) Fall insouciance (similar to smart and attractive look, but with a dash of schoolboy exuberance). Write to Alex, where and when? Alex writes back. Do you have any pictures of yourself you could email me? Have one picture in online brochure for department. Day picture taken very rainy and hair resembles oily, dead squirrel. Tell the Contessa about email and dilemma about pictures. She says, Let's borrow Libby's camera. The Contessa goes upstairs. Feel creeping shame that she will tell Libby what camera needed for and that Libby will consider me (justifiably) Vain. When the contessa comes back, ask her in panicked tones if she Told Libby. Says, Of course not. I told her we needed it to take pictures of our desks so that we knew where things belong. Ask, She believed you? The Contessa nods, I'm sorry to say she did. Feel deep respect and love for the Contessa. In the courtyard, she has me pose in front of stand of aspens. Takes several pictures. The Contessa dexterously smoking throughout. Looks at her handiwork. Frowns. Says, briskly, Let's try that again. Ask to see the pictures. The contessa says says firmly, no need for that, we'll just delete them. Insist that need to see what went wrong so can fix next time around. The Contessa relents and hands camera over. Lights new cigarette. Look at pictures. Facial expressions very upsetting. The Contesa says lets try another background. This we do. Upstairs in the office, choose picture in which look least nervous. Send to Alex. She writes back. Great! I'll let you know. Am filled with regret.